"BLADE RUNNER" VERSUS "IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA"

I promised myself I wouldn’t say one word about the political conventions, and here I go writing about them.

But I have no choice. Really.

My plan was to call in sick and skip both the Republican and Democratic conventions. The problem is my car crapped out on the 405 on Day Two of the Republican National Convention, setting me back $1,600. Then, just as Hillary Clinton was shattering the glass ceiling in Philadelphia, the bottom dropped out of our hot water heater, flooding the kitchen and soaking me for another $1,200.

I can’t afford not to write about the conventions.

Two weeks ago the GOP, or what passes for the GOP these days, gathered at the Quicken Loans Arena, home of the World Champion Cleveland Cavaliers. The feisty crowd booed their way through Day One before finally going through all seven stages of grief and accepting the unthinkable: Donald J. Trump is now the head of the party of Lincoln, Roosevelt, Eisenhower and Reagan.

Speaker after speaker hammered home a vision of America so dark it makes “Blade Runner” look like “Little Mermaid.” According to the Republicans, America’s cup is not just half empty; it’s cracked and we’re going to get shards of glass jabbed in our gums.

The potential future first lady of the United States ripped off the speech of the current first lady of the United States but looked really hot while doing so.

“Lyin’ Ted” Cruz took the stage and claimed the moral high ground by not endorsing Trump, justifying his “matter of conscience” by reminding everyone Trump had called his wife ugly and accused his father of being part of the JFK assassination. Of course, Cruz had no moral objections to Trump as long as his bile was directed at “Low Energy Jeb!”, “Little Marco” and Carly “look at that face” Fiorina. Cruz was booed off the stage.

Still, as nutty as it might seem to us sophisticates living in hip places Los Angeles and New York, Trump’s convention was a hit in flyover America, pushing him 7 points ahead of Hillary according the latest USC-Dornsife/L.A. Times poll.

How could this be?

Easy.

Trump has tapped into something the political and media establishment have totally missed — Americans are angry. Really angry.

For 30 years millions of us have been begging our government to do something about lost jobs and loose borders only to be told to shut up. They know better. Anyone who thinks differently is a provincial xenophobe and a racist to boot. Like our British cousins on the other side of the pond, the natives are restless.

Meanwhile “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

At least it was for the four days of last week’s Democratic convention. Every speaker had nice things to say about President Obama and Hillary Clinton. Everybody except the Berniacs who, already angry, were further enraged when WikiLeaks dumped a boatload of hacked DNC emails showing bias against their man. For the first time ever, delegates booed during the opening prayer.

The Bernie people sounded like Phillies fans booing Leon Panetta for saying we had to continue the fight against ISIS. They even booed Bernie Sanders when he finally endorsed Clinton. It was this close to disaster.

But then the Democrats rolled out the big guns: Bill Clinton! Joe “Malarkey” Biden! Barack Obama! With a star turn by Michelle Obama, who can pretty much name the Blue State Senate seat of her choice — one speech better than the next, each more hopeful and inspiring.

If the GOP convention was dark, the Democratic convention was brighter than the inside of Liza Minnelli’s closet.

Too bad the headliner couldn’t follow the opening acts.

Hillary Clinton is many things; spellbinding stump speaker is not one of them. But she has skills. Hillary should mop the floor with Trump in the debates, that is, if she can survive the verbal beatdown he’s undoubtedly going to unleash. “Crooked”, “Benghazi”, “30,000 missing emails”, “Monica”, don’t be surprised to hear about Juanita Broaddrick and rape. He will go there.

With Trump at the head of the ticket, the Republicans are rolling the dice there are enough angry and fearful folks to put him over the top in November.

The Democrats, tethered as they are to President Obama, can’t acknowledge the many millions of Americans who have not experienced the benefits of the economic recovery. Their happy talk convention risks painting the party as out of touch with reality.

Meanwhile, The Wife’s car is making that funny noise again. Last time it set us back $1,800, and now our AC unit only blows hot air.

I can’t afford the competition.

Doug McIntyre’s column appears Sundays. Hear him weekdays 5-10 a.m. on KABC-AM 790. He can be reached at: Doug@DougMcIntyre.com.